One thing's for certain: I will overshare
This is an update from the GRIEF AND MEDIA PROJECT!
Sup, my friends! I am officially on summer break. Finals, my birthday and my half marathon in San Diego are all done—some I’m more sad to see conclude than others. I’m determined to make this summer a super relaxing and joyous one, which means I’m sure to overcommit and overthink and overwork. When I have time, I must do what I do best after all. I’ve been listening to Brat and It's Completely Different but Also Still Brat a lot the last 24 hours. I know I’m essentially 365 days late to the party, but I do think it could in fact be a brat summer for me. Rather than any interpretation of bumpin’ that, though, brat summer for me means drinking iced hazelnut lattes whilst looking at water and engaging in academic inquiry. I’m really excited about the thought.
Speaking of academia, because I do that now a little too much, I was just in a really sick workshop with panelists who all do research that has to do with death and dying and bereavement in some way. Naturally, the conversation on separating the personal from your research came up. In such a deeply personal area of focus, it’s likely that most researchers do this work because of their own personal experiences. Yet people had different opinions on how much they openly share their grief or experiences surrounding death.
For me, I love sharing. Oversharing? Maybe! It’s the thrill of gossiping, with the added bonus of being able to talk about myself, all under the umbrella that is the connection that comes from being vulnerable with others. It’s always something I’ve loved to do. I’ve written blogs and newsletters since I was little. I joined the college radio the second I could (and sent emails asking how to join to the GM when I was still in high school). I started my first dating podcast midway through college. I had an anonymous dating blog that I told everyone about. (Over)sharing is how I find my place in the world. It’s how I build community and express myself.
What is oversharing but a social construct? After my dad died, I never discussed my grief. In ways I think it was because no one around me had the same experience, but mostly I just don’t think I wanted to burden others. I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. I learned the phrase “trauma dumping,” and I thought well thank god I never did that!!!! But isn’t life about the things we experience and then forming connections by sharing these experiences with others? It’s easy to look back at everything in hindsight—knowing now that I did not at all process the grief of losing my dad, and I was going to lose my mom and have to think about death so often amid a global pandemic only a few years later. But damn, if only I had overshared my grief and memories of my dad with people earlier than I had; I think I would have saved myself a lot of inner turmoil. I needed that outlet. Imagine the sun not shining or the ocean not meeting the shore or the mascot of GRIEF AND MEDIA not sprinting around at 5 a.m. How could someone who talks so excessively withhold talking about someone who means so much to her?
I had an instance at the beginning of this semester where someone told me that perhaps I wouldn’t want to do grief-related research once I’m over the death of my parents. It was all kinds of twisted—like first of all, you don’t want to tell me what I will or won’t want to do, because I’m stubborn to the point where I will do opposite of what you say but 20x harder. Second, this certainly implies people get over their grief, which isn’t the case. I had a friend make a great point about how grief is compounding—for argument’s sake, even if you get over it (which doesn’t happen), something like another death could come up and resurface all the emotions you have and intensify them. Third, you have no idea what the loss of my parents means to me. No one does. I’m not sure I’ll ever know the depths to which it affects me because, again, something could trigger new emotions and memories at any moment. Fourth, this is literally exactly why I want to do the work I do! If we as a society understood grief more, I wouldn’t have to deal with ignorant people who have never experienced it telling me how I should or shouldn’t feel.
Everyone has a different relationship with their grief and with sharing it openly. I totally get and validate it all. But for me, it’s so incredibly important to interlock the professional and the personal. I want to grieve out loud and to do so in places that maybe some would find inappropriate. For me, it allows an opportunity to honor my parents in the best way I know how: talking excessively.
Media I’ve been into lately:
Charli xcx’s Talk talk featuring Troye Sivan yeaaaa .. no I’m obsessed with this song right now.
Overcompensating!!!! Admittedly I’ve only watched the first two episodes because our TV is an Amazon Fire one that we bought open boxed at Best Buy for $100, and it crashes when we try to play shows on Prime sometimes. Go figure. I do know someone who did the same open box thing and their TV had a boba menu burned onto it. I suppose things could be much more inconvenient. But the first two episodes are excellent, and I’m so excited to keep watching. Plus, grief is part of one of the character’s stories.
Love Island USA, though I did fall asleep watching the first episode last night. Also, half of the contestants look AI generated. But I will give it a shot before forming opinions, and regardless of my opinions I will be watching. I mean, I watched the first USA season without complaint. I can get through any Love Island USA season. (Notice how I specified USA because I haven’t even attempted any of the last few UK seasons. Though now I may watch season three because of JoJo Siwa. I am a media researcher, okay!)
More to come from me! And as always, please submit any media you’d like to see in the database here! I’ll talk to you all soon~~
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