This Week in Grief and Media: 8/5/24
having a perfect life kinda, sitting at coffee shops, glue, begging for someone to work it out with me on the remix
We are officially in August, people! This is no longer a drill. I am going to grad school this month, and there’s no backing out now. I suppose there is, but that would be even worse than simply moving forward with grad school. I think about this often with that one Survivor challenge where they have to hang onto a giant pole without dropping 100 feet (more like eight, actually) to the sand. Like, yeah, hanging on is so intense, but falling down would be even worse. I would win out of sheer fear.
A lot can be said about what season of life I’m in by how much I fantasize about being on Survivor. I only went through with the application process one single time, which was last year—and I was going through it so hard I even considered applying for Big Brother as well. Perhaps this is a gauge for me because I’ve often been told how great I would be on reality TV. I’m still assessing whether that’s complimentary or a complete dig at my character.
This year, though, I haven’t really thought about applying. Despite my previous newsletters about how terribly I’m doing, I do foresee life picking back up positively. In 2011, I firmly stated my life would be perfect if I made JV cheer and my crush at the time liked me back. And, you know what? I did make JV cheer, and my crush and I would Skype everyday until he did something to piss me off and I never talked to him again. Now, besides the obvious wishing-my-parents-were-alive of it all, I do believe life would be perfect if I just had a cute, little, flexible, creative job during grad school. I believe it’s going to happen. Wish me luck, and a perfect life <3
Every so often I’ll get hit with the realization of how young I was when I lost my dad at 17. When I see my high school-aged cousins. While thinking childhood memories while watching Pen15. As I help plan my 10-year high school reunion. I’ve found myself so shocked by it all—I don’t think I’ve truly processed it.
My life feels like it can be separated in these two parts: the first where I knew grief, sure, but not intimately; the second where grief is apart of my every day, my every second. The first part spans 1996 to 2013, the second 2013 through the rest of my life, I guess. The timeline happens to come awfully close to childhood versus adulthood. Is this just growing up, then? I’m not sure. I don’t know if it makes me feel better or worse to think about other 28 year olds who haven’t been disillusioned with the fact that life and death are intrinsically intertwined.
Growing up, my family and I would always sit outside at a Starbucks to talk and relax. (I constantly tell husband of GRIEF AND MEDIA PROJECT that relaxing at a coffee shop is my favorite status in the world. I genuinely wish my job could be chillin at a coffee shop. Maybe this is why I’m a writer.) After my dad passed away, we especially made sure to get together at Starbucks every Sunday morning: my mom, sister and some of my cousins. I’m so thankful I had that consistency and family time throughout college. When I visited San Diego last year, I recreated that magic with my cousin and her kids once again. I’m still navigating the reality in which I can do these things even if my mom isn’t here to be the glue.
As I start school once again, I decided to implement Sunday morning coffee at a local shop here in the Bay Area. I made a group chat with all our local friends to tell them the time and place and my ~why~ behind it, and we’ve now done it two weeks in a row. It’s been lovely. When I first sent the text about it, my husband’s friend said he loved the idea and I cried. I don’t need everyone to go every week—but I want people to know that there is a seat at the table on the patio of a coffee shop there for them every Sunday. This might be some Earth sign shit, but I love the routine of it all. I guess I want to be the glue, too.
I realize I’m about two months late to the party, but I am now having a BRAT summer, I think. I’m not doing drugs or anything like that, but I love doing the TikTok Apple dance around the house, and 360 is fun to listen to in the car.
The standout for me, and everyone but again I’m two months late, is The girl, so confusing version with lorde. I’m outrageously obsessed with it. I’m sure I’ve publicly said before how media doesn’t often make me cry, but The girl, so confusing version with lorde makes me cry almost every time. There’s something so raw and real about everything Lorde said—this statement that she’s been equally in her head about their strained relationship as Charli has been. I thought it was such a beautiful display of emotions and the way women are compared and systematically pitted against each other. “‘Cause I ride for you, Charli” will indefinitely stand as the most powerful and important sentence anyone could say, ever.
I saw they hung out and are friends again, which is fine and probably great, really, but I love the concept of two people being incredibly amicable yet not friends anymore. For example, an ex of sorts who doesn’t speak to you at all but is very complimentary when asked about you in the press. Oh, I want that so bad. I’m unfortunately in the unique and immature position where there is bad blood between myself and almost everyone who I’d consider an ex or ex-friend. I’m actually dying to work it out with someone on the remix.
Anyway, I have not listened to Guess featuring Billie Eilish yet, but give it another two months, and I’ll likely have thoughts.
ICYMI, my latest podcast episode with author of Let That Sh*t Go Nina Purewal is out now wherever you get your podcasts by searching “GRIEF AND MEDIA” (or clicking here). A new episode is coming this week!
I have a new essay and new media deep dive in the works for this month, but here are the latest ones to catch up on: #3: Hold me closer, tiny dancer and I got a text: an exploration of reality TV as a backbone of our society and in grief.
This month, I may or may not be doing a rewatch of a certain something and then writing about it, idk
That’s it for This Week in Grief and Media. Please consider sharing the GRIEF AND MEDIA PROJECT with a friend. It would mean the world! <3
Don’t forget to join the conversation in the comments! How was your week in grief? What media are you consuming this week? Are you in an entertaining Facebook group a la BAGGU Enthusiasts? Tell me all about it.